You're Not Fed Up Enough

You're Not Fed Up Enough

Let's be honest for a second.

How long have you been unhappy, or stuck? Chronically, consistently... unhappy. In your job. In your relationship. In the life you've built. And you're still there.

Here's what I want to say to you today, and I mean it with all the love in the world:

You're not fed up enough.

That's it. That's why you haven't moved. Not because you don't know what to do. Not because the opportunity isn't there. But because somewhere in your mind, the pain of staying still feels safer than the fear of what's on the other side.

In this episode Ash gets real about the comfort in complaining, why we stay addicted to potential, and what it actually feels like when you're genuinely done — not performatively done, actually done. She also gets personal about the moments in her own life where fed up became the catalyst for everything good that came next.

Fed up isn't a breakdown. It's a beginning.

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Now What Are We Doing? is for anyone navigating adulthood when life doesn't go exactly as planned. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, wonderful people, and welcome back to Now What Are We Doing? On today's episode, we are going to explore the concept of you not being fed up enough. This episode is all going to be about self-accountability. Yeah, I know. But I promise it's gonna be a good one and we're gonna walk through it together. So let's get into it. I want to ask you something, and I want you to be super honest with yourself. How long have you been unhappy? Not just a bad week, not just a rough season. I mean genuinely, chronically, consistently unhappy in both your relationship and in your career. In this life you built, and you are still there. In both your relationship and in your career. Months,

Why We Stay Stuck

SPEAKER_00 0:54

let's be real, years. Here's what I want to say to you today. And I'm gonna say it with love because I do know I have a tendency to be very black and white and very blunt. You're not fed up enough. That's it. That's what this episode is about. That's why you're still here. That's why you clicked play, because you're not fed up enough. Not because you don't know what to do, because I really feel like desperate people make things happen. It's not that you don't have options, it's not because God hasn't shown you the door, it hasn't given you a hit or a glimmer of the direction that you should move. You're still here because some part of you has decided that the pain you feel now, the level of uncomfortability you feel now is somehow safer, freedom that's ahead of you. And let me tell you something. As a type A control freak, you know, I feel like there should be a group for people like us. I get it. I really do because I have been there actually twice, but in two completely different areas of my life that I feel like a lot of people can really relate to. And in both times, the only thing that caused my life to shift in a positive way was when I decided I was truly, finally done. So let's talk about it. The one that is the most noticeable is the thing you're listening to, this podcast. This is actually what being fed up looks like. I have discussed this before, but I've spent 12 years in marketing and building campaigns, leading teams, managing massive accounts for brands that you know and likely use every day. And I feel like I was pretty good at it. And for a long time, longer than I actually want to admit, I didn't feel like I had anything that was mine. No real creative outlet. And I actually felt like I was getting further and further away from Little Ash, which actually created a really deep sadness in me that I was afraid to admit. But I kept going because at the same time, Little Ash had this kind of grinded mentality that you have to go 100 miles per hour and you have to just keep your head down and keep moving forward and that feelings and emotions really don't matter. So I I kept going because I was good at it. And I think that is something worth mentioning and staying at that you can be really good at something, and you could get praise and applause for it, and you can get raises and promotions, and it still not be what God has for you. You can be good at something, you can get the you can be good at something, and people can admire your life, and that still not be where God wants you to be. I basically kept my head down for 12 years because it didn't make logical sense for me to leave. That also plays into my growth as a young adult. You know, things making sense and you not being ready, I think there's a difference between those two. And for a long time, I really just wasn't ready. But the moment I got fed up, which really was a series of unfortunate events, things started moving and this podcast started moving, and I want that for you too. And in a lot of ways, I think of it almost like labor contractions. The first ones might be kind of tolerable, but the more and more uncomfortable things come, it's just like contraction after contraction, and something's gotta come out of it. I almost feel the same way in terms of my romantic life in relationships. But here's the thing: this wasn't my first time learning this lesson. When I was a 19, I was in college and I went through this breakup that really broke something in me. I think you were putting in max effort, and the person is just not really giving you anything in return like that. I was really a lover girl in that situation, and the guy was just not considerate at all of my feelings or emotions. So, again, a series of unfortunate events happened in this relationship, and we ended up breaking up, and it was the hardest decision I had to make. But at the end of it, I remember sitting on my bed and thinking, oh, I'm I'm done. I'm tired of going back and forth. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being myself, not being the gregarious, jovial person that I typically am. It was impacting my sleep and eating patterns. And I had never been that down bad before. So after we broke up, I made a very unpopular decision. I took a break from dating four or five years. And I know a lot of you are gonna say that's doing the most, but I think you really have to sit and think with yourself because if you're making the same mistake over and over and over, and that's exactly what I knew I did not want to do. At 19, I said, I do not want to be 30 making the same mistake. I do not want to be 30, 35, blaming everyone else for my mistakes. So let me take a small pause here to figure out what even attracted me to this person in the first place. And maybe you think that's extreme. Maybe I was, but I'd finally gotten fed up enough with the pattern, fed up enough with choosing wrong, with ignoring red flags, and most importantly, betraying myself. In those five years, I really looked internally. I looked at my patterns, I looked at my self-esteem levels, my confidence levels, my daddy issues. Sometimes we can have daddy issues and mommy issues, and both of those can play a part in who we choose to be with and also how we think of ourselves. You cannot pick a good partner if you're not good to yourself. It's just not going to be possible. And let me tell you, I have no regrets about this. I cried, I explored my mental and emotional traumas. I had hard conversations with my dad, which unfortunately that relationship was not reconcilable. But in the end, I had a much better understanding of myself and what I was willing to not tolerate. And I'm telling you both of those stories because being fed up actually saved my life. And I'm not joking. Being fed up saved my life. Being fed up was the best thing that could have ever happened

You Might Be Venting Too Much

SPEAKER_00 8:04

to me both times. So that actually brings me to my first point. Complaining has become the coping mechanism. I know, I know if you're listening to this, that actually kind of bites. Complaining actually has become the coping mechanism for a lot of people. And I realize that a lot of people will say, Oh, I'm just venting, I'm just venting, I'm just venting. Nothing really personally grinds my gears more than someone who calls me all the time to quote unquote vent for something that they have the power to change. And this is a personal pet peeve of mine. I've actually ended friendships over this, might be harsh, I know. And it's because no matter what advice you give someone who's bent on complaining and venting, they rarely ever change. They're just calling you to vent. But if you're calling me to vent about the same thing over and over and over again, it's very clear to me that you actually have no desire to have a better life. You just want to invite me into a circus of your emotions. And I have my own emotions to regulate and I have my own life to navigate. There is comfort in venting, and there's a time and a place for it. I'm not saying you should never vent, you should never express yourself, you should never emote. No. I want you to hear me. There's nothing wrong with processing openly with someone that you trust. Processing is very necessary. There's a point where processing becomes a substitute for action. And you know what that point is. You know when you've picked up the phone to the second or third person, or you're spending hours on the phone talking about something that could be solved if you just set a boundary with said person. Yeah, that's because complaining has become your coping mechanism. And the thing is, when you think about this, I guess scientifically or biologically, our brain gets a little hint of relief every time we vent about it. And that relief is just enough to take the edge off, which is why you feel better after you express yourself to someone, after you vent, but it doesn't actually change the situation you in. It just makes it survivable or tolerable for that moment. And so you stay in that friendship, you stay in that partnership, you stay with the job, you stay connected to the friend or the family member that you know, just you need to have a really distinct and firm boundary with. Ask yourself honestly: are you processing or are you performing? Are you working through it or have you really gotten comfortable describing it? So let's double tap into this a bit more. And I think this one is really a gut punch, but

Normalizing The Abnormal - Gaslighting & Manipulation

SPEAKER_00 10:59

so necessary and so needed. A lot of us have normalized the abnormal. Yeah, a lot of the stuff we vent about at our jobs, with our friends, with romantic partnerships, with family, we think we're just venting. We think, oh, so and so did this again. That's not normal. It's not normal for them to talk to you like this. It's not normal for you to be treated like this. It's not normal for you to be gaslit, for you to be manipulated. That's not normal. And here's the sneaky thing about staying in a bad situation for a long time. Eventually, it stops feeling bad. It just feels like life. You stop being outraged by things that should outrage you. And I think this is the danger of gaslighting, which has that term has taken flight in the last few years. And I think that term should be taken so seriously because it is psychological manipulation. The job that makes you feel invisible, that it's just work, that you always have to be on, the relationship where you feel unseen. That's just how relationships are, right? The creative part of you that's been starved for years. Well, this just how life is. This is the American dream. That's just being an adult. Those are things we often tell ourselves. No, that's not life. And I'm I'm not accepting that, and I'm not going for it, and you shouldn't either. That's you having normalized something that's never supposed to be normal. When you've been in something long enough, your baseline shifts. And I think this is the danger in gaslighting, right? The whole point of gaslighting someone is to shift their baseline. You start measuring your happiness, not against what you actually want, but against how bad it's been before. So you really have to ask yourself, when was the last time you felt genuinely excited about your life? Not relieved, not fine, actually excited. And does this person, place, thing, whatever it is, do they compete with that or do they help aid in that? And if you have to think about it for too long, if you have to come up with some type of thesis or defense, if you've all of a sudden turned into a district attorney to defend them, that's a huge sign.

Feel The Heat

SPEAKER_00 13:21

I'm gonna say something that might sting a little. People don't change when they see the light, they change when they feel the heat. And the scary thing about this is that we all have different tolerance levels for heat. Have you ever met someone with a high pain tolerance? You'll be amazed about how much they can take. And if you think about that in an emotional or psychological way, a lot of times we run to rescue people who have a higher higher tolerance for manipulation. If you're still in the job or your relationship, if you're dating the same person over and over and over in a different body, still in the same situation, some parts of you have made a calculation. And the calculation is the pain of staying is less than the fear of leaving. That's it. That's the whole thing. And there's very little that can be done to change your life if you operate out of fear. It's not that you don't know better. I actually think that most people know better. It's that nobody has either told you the truth or that you just haven't accepted the truth. The heat hasn't gotten high enough for you yet. And until it does, you will stay in the same turmoil. You will find a reason to stay, and you'll find just enough hope to keep going. And I'm I'm not saying that to judge you or to be dismissive in any way because I was you in a lot of ways, and in some areas of my life, I still struggle with this, but I'm saying that because there's an expiration date on whatever situation you feel stuck in, but you determine the expiration date. And I want for you to take your power back. Being fed up with

Your History Is Keeping You From Your Future

SPEAKER_00 15:22

someone or something is actually a gift. I think of it as our internal gates or our mental gates or emotional gates closing to that person or that thing. You being fed up is your body, your higher self, saying the gates should be closed to this person. I'm trying to close the gates here, but sometimes we get hung up on potential. Let me just say a few more months, a few more years because they might change or oof, this is a big one. We have so much history together. Let me tell you, I don't care nothing about history. I don't, I don't care. Because the thing is, people often manipulate themselves. That's the worst thing to gaslight yourself. People often manipulate themselves into staying with someone or staying friends with someone or being yoked to someone because of history. But if you really think about the history, they were not good to you historically. You trying to rely on, well, the job could get better, or this person could change, or this situation could turn around, you're wasting your life. Life is precious, life is valuable. You don't have a guaranteed 70, 80 years, 90 years. You have today, and you're letting someone play in your face for the sake of history. What has actually been shown to you consistently? That's your answer.

Fed Up Is A Beginning

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Okay, I I realize that a lot of this podcast episode was a big gut punch, and I do realize that there's a time and a place for a gut punch, and then there's a time and a place to be softer. So I do want to share kind of a different perspective. I don't want to leave you with just super hard stuff, but I do want you to know that being fed up is a gift, and it's a different way of looking at this whole episode and the narrative of whatever you find yourself in the middle of. The moment that you're genuinely done, not performatively done, not, oh, I broke up with him for the third time and I'm actually thinking about hooking up with him again next week. No, genuinely done in your gut, that's when things shift in your life. Have you ever looked at someone's life and just admired it and thought, oh, I wish I could do that, or how did they get that? It's because they reached a moment where they were fed up. And I actually think that a lot of the jealousy that we feel and envy that we feel sometimes is because we're just not fed up enough in our own life. I don't think we're actually really jealous or envious of a thing that someone might have or relationship that someone might have. I think a lot of the time we're envious or want to know more about how do I reach the level of fed up that this person has reached in order to change my life for the better. Remember that five-year break I took at 19 from dating? It made room for my now husband, Travis, for the marriage I have now, for a love that actually feels safe and supportive and more than I could have imagined. And this podcast, it's making room for something I couldn't have built when I was pouring everything into someone else's dream. Being fed up is not a breakdown, fed up is a beginning. So, how do you know when you're ready? When it's real and not just another event session, and no one can really tell you when you're ready. I promise you, when I was sitting on my bed at 19, an outsider would have every reason to think that I would pick up the phone again and call my then boyfriend back. But in my gut and in my heart, I was done, and it had nothing to do with that person, but it had everything to do with me and what I wanted for my life. When you get to the point of being ready, you don't need anyone to validate it. And honestly, a lot of times you don't even announce it because it has nothing to do with other people, but everything to do with how you're committed on moving. And I want to close by saying this. If you're not there yet, this podcast episode is not meant to make you feel bad in any way, shape, or form, but it's really meant to encourage you and to give you insight into another way of living. I truly think that a lot of the times we don't know what we don't know. And maybe you didn't grow up around people who had boundaries with jobs or boundaries in romantic relationships or friendships or partnerships or within their own family. And I'm bringing you this episode to open your eyes if needed, that life is truly what you make it. Life is truly what you make it, and your happiness is truly dependent on you. It's not dependent on how other people treat you, what drama other people may have, how your job perceives you. I truly believe for each and every person listening to this the best is yet to come, but you have to be butt up enough to go get it. Until next time.